I wanted to tell you. But it was never the right time I almost told you yesterday but the timing was so bad and I missed your reply... I regret doing it I really do but things are getting worse and I can't control these thoughts from crossing my mind every once in a while. I hate carrying around this burden. I hate not being able to be happy anymore. I love forgetting the things that make me feel so horrible. Its been almost a year since I've gotten out of my slump. I was so proud of myself, I was becoming myself again I was going out with friends interacting with my family...I felt loved. I enjoyed waking up I couldn't wait for the next day Everything was going perfect, its just the other day. My mom yelled at me once again. This time she was serious every word she said... She said the most hurtful things to me. I just wished she loved me how I loved her.
I couldn't take it anymore... After sitting on my bed for a couple of minutes and just replaying what she said to me in my head I decided "fuck it, she's right I'm worthless. I don't deserve to be here." I got up reached for my drawer and found my old pills I knew that it'd be the perfect thing to give me the relief I craved. I drank one pill after the other I didn't stop until I felt... Better?
I laid on my bed and waited for my pills to do what I intended them to do. I decided to read the box to see how long it would take. "don't consume more than 6 in 12 hours" My eyes went wide and I started to panic I just realized what I had done. I tried to commit suicide. I ran to the bathroom and tried to through up. I didn't stop until I did. I still haven't told anybody... And honestly I don't know how.
How do you tell someone "I drank so many pills that I nearly passed out and ended up throwing up all over the bathroom floor" Like fuck why did I do that? I've stayed so strong for so long and just one thing made me fucking crack. I'm glad I threw up the pills but I hate how horrible I feel and How horrible I've felt since I was 13. I just want to lay in bed all day and forget about life. I'm tired of living. But something that day made me want to throw up those pills, and everything happens for a reason so I guess I'm going to stay here as long as god has intended me to do.
